


the beginning of catharsis

by successsionhbo



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nile Freeman-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:07:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26076187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/successsionhbo/pseuds/successsionhbo
Summary: Nile gets to take a breath
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 12
Kudos: 181





	the beginning of catharsis

The safe house was nice- a small, one floor house with a few bedrooms and a kitchen, tucked away on the coast of Romania. It took two hours to drive there from the airport, the Black Sea beside them the entire time. Nile wished she could appreciate the view more and made a mental note of the blues and greens and greys of the sky and sea so that maybe she could try and recreate it once they were settled. 

Andy had jumped in the shower first, her newly mortal body still in pain even if she refused to acknowledge it. Nile didn’t say anything when Andy walked past her clutching her side but she knew that they wouldn’t have a first aid kit here and that Joe and Nicky wouldn’t know what would help her, so she slipped past them without saying anything and took the keys with her. She didn’t miss Nicky stopping Joe from calling to her.

She didn’t want to be around anyone right now and she couldn’t bring herself to talk- even the idea of it had her exhausted. Driving was easy, it was 45 minutes to the closest town and by the time she reached it her head felt a little less fuzzy. Before the flight, Andy had given her a passport, a credit card, and a flip phone, which she appreciated considering she had nothing to her name, she planned on using it to pay for everything. She slipped into a store and grabbed gauze and disinfectants, grateful that by some miracle Andy didn’t need an IV or surgery and just rest and some stitches if she remembered to keep it clean. She paid and left, having no intentions of stopping again but her stomach growled as she walked past a market and went to grab food too.

She stumbled through a conversation with the woman at the counter who gave her a container of a soup called “ciorba radauteana”, which smelled like chicken and vegetables and enough “sarmale” for everyone in the house, Nile wasn’t even entirely sure what they were but they looked a little like spring rolls and smelled spicy and warm so she didn’t care. She asked for a coffee, too, so she could stay awake for the ride back, and thanked the woman as she gave her her food and left. She was feeling a little more secure as she completed each task, ticking them off mentally: shelter, check, first aid, check, food, check. She was almost back to the car when she walked past a little art store and thought why not and slipped inside.

She was pretending like she wasn’t avoiding going back, like her heart didn’t leap into her throat everytime she thought too hard about how she had died multiple times in the past two weeks and how she doesn’t know when her mortality will return. ‘How do they stand it?’ she thought as she wandered around the little store, not really looking at anything but reluctant to leave. She walked over to the sketchbooks as she argued with herself ‘I guess they don’t, look at Andy, she forgot what she believed in, and Booker too, he gave up the only family he had to have a chance at dying and he’s the youngest.’ She forced herself not to panic and ran a finger over the thick pages of a small watercolor sketchbook. ‘I’m the youngest now,’ she thought, ‘shit- I’m the youngest now.’ Panicking did nothing for her, she knew, but fuck if she didn’t just want to crawl in a corner and lay down so she could catch her breath and maybe cry. She grabbed the watercolor book and a pencil sketchbook off the shelf and grabbed the first watercolor paints she saw, paid, and left before she could spend any more time thinking about it.

She buckled the bag of food into the front seat and sat down behind the wheel, taking a sip of her coffee, noticing the burn on her tongue and the smell and the taste and knowing that that was going to have to be enough to keep going for now, and she put her seatbelt on and drove back to the safe house.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

It was a little past dusk when she finally got back, having no idea how long she had been gone for but she figured the answer was ‘too long’ when Joe immediately came out the front door when she pulled in and was picking up the bags before she took the keys from the ignition. 

“I can get them,” she said.

“I know,” he smiled at her and he picked up the bag of food in the front seat and inhaled. “Mmm… Sarmale. I haven’t had it in ages.”

Nile walked in with him, opening the door and asked “Is it any good? I didn’t know what I was getting but I figured everyone would be hungry.”

“It’s delicious,” Nicky answered from the kitchen, taking the bags from Joe and unpacking the food.

“It’s probably cold now…”

“We can warm it up, no problem,” he answered, already turning the oven on and grabbing a pot from the cabinet. 

Joe was pulling out the first aid supply, reading the labels of each and setting them down.

“They’re for Andy,” Nile said, looking around the kitchen, “is she okay?”

Nicky and Joe looked at each other and then back at Nile. “We think she’s okay,” Joe started “but, unfortunately we haven’t had to worry about wounds in… Well, in a while.”

“Do you know anything about medicine, Nile?” Nicky asked.

“I know what the Marines taught me, and I used to read the medical books that our medic kept with her,” Nile said, remembering Dizzy teasing her for reading a textbook on her nights off. “She would’ve needed a doctor if she hadn’t stopped bleeding after 24 hours. She just needs to keep it clean so it doesn’t get infected and it should heal fully. She’s lucky it was so shallow.”

Nile picked up the gauze and disinfectant. “Which room?”

Nicky pointed to the door on the right, opposite of the kitchen, and she walked up to it, thought about knocking, but didn’t, and went inside.

Andy was laying down on the bed, her eyes closed, her hand laying gently across the stab wound by her hip. She was wearing sweats and breathing deeply, not like she was in pain but because she was relaxed.

“Nile.”

“Hi. You need to change your bandage and clean the wound. So it doesn’t get infected,” Nile responded, hoping that Andy wasn’t about to start arguing or tell her that she’ll be fine.

“You’re right,” she said, opening her eyes and turning her head to face Nile, “thank you for going to the store. The last time I tried to do it I wound up spending fifty dollars on all the stuff I thought I needed,” she said, smiling.

Andy pulled herself up slowly, wincing slightly as she sat up.

“Do you need help with it?” Nile asked, not wanting Andy to hurt herself anymore than she already was.

“No, I don’t think so. Wash, disinfect, then gauze, right?”

“Right.”

“Ok. I got it, Nile. Go eat,” she added, as Nile’s stomach growled.

Nile pulled the door closed as she left and met Joe and Nicky’s expecting gazes from across the room. She gave them a quick thumbs up and Nicky handed her a mug of the soup she picked up. She tried to identify each ingredient in the soup, but it was hard to work through the numbness in her head. She had a vague awareness that Joe and Nicky were watching her, making sure she was actually eating and it makes her heart clench a little because that's what her mom used to do and all she wants is to crawl into her mom’s bed and let herself be held one more time. She puts her mug down. She must look like what she feels because Joe hesitates only for a second before reaching out to hold her hand in his, cupping her one hand between both of his. That thing in her chest dislodges just a little more and she feels the stress, and the panic, and the confusion, the sadness, and the bone deep weariness all threaten to come out and she doesn’t know if she wants to scream or cry or throw herself into the sea outside just to be away from everything for just a few minutes.

“Nile, it will all be okay, we’ll help you,” Nicky said, appearing at her other side. 

“I just-” she wanted to say that she knew they would help, even though she didn’t really know them at all, a part of her wanted to be able to hold it together long enough to make it to one of the empty bedrooms so she could lose it without feeling self conscious. Instead her words caught in her throat as the tears she had been holding in for the past two weeks started to spill over.

Nicky guided her to an empty bedroom, with Joe following close behind, he sat her down on the mattress as Nicky went and opened the windows. Nile couldn’t control it now, her tears running down her face hot and steady and she thought ‘fuck it, what does it matter if they see me cry. I’m gonna know them for a thousand years.’ Nicky came back with a glass of water and sat down on Nile’s other side while Joe scooted closer to her so she could have a shoulder to cry on. She felt Nicky hold her hand and rub her back while she cried. She felt her head go fuzzy with the relief of letting out everything she had been trying to hold together. The longer she cried the more she felt her body relaxed, her shoulders moving down, her jaw relaxing, the muscles in her legs releasing the tension they’ve been carrying.

It was comforting to have them there and the minutes passed away uncounted. When she finally started to notice the room again, Andy was there too, sitting on the floor across from them, holding a box of tissues.

“They’re a little dusty,” Andy said, motioning to the tissues, “we haven’t been here since the sixties. But they’ll do.” She held them out to Nile and she took them, grateful to wipe her eyes on something other than Joe’s shirt, which now had a wet spot on the shoulder. 

“I’m okay now, I think,” Nile said, her voice watery, looking at all of them “I think I’m just gonna go to sleep.”

“We’ll sleep with you tonight,” Nicky said, like they had already discussed it, and Joe and Andy just nodded in assent.

Nile’s eyebrows shot up. “That’s crazy, I’m okay, really, you don’t need to,” Nile tried to argue with them but Andy cut her off.

“Hey. You showed up when we needed someone to help us, Nile. Let us show up for you. It’s one night and you’ll feel worse alone,” she motioned to herself and Joe and Nicky, “We know this. We’ve all been through it.”

“Okay… I-, okay,” Nile said. There was really no room for arguing and she didn’t want to. Being alone probably was worse.

Nicky pressed the glass of water into her hands and she drank all of it, noticing how dehydrated her body was.

There was only a double bed in the room so Nicky and Joe pushed the couch from the main area next to her bed. Nile laid down and rolled over to the side closest to the couch pulling the covers down, holding them out so Andy could get in on the other side. It was who-knows-how-late and the exhaustion Nile felt made her eyes flutter close, the last thing she saw was Joe pulling Nicky close to him so they could fit on the couch together as she blissfully drifted into sleep.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````

The sunlight streamed through the window warming the end of the bed. Nile stretched her legs towards the heat, sleep making her body feel heavy and content to just lay there and enjoy the sun on her feet. ‘Today will be better than yesterday’ she thought. She breathed in, savoring the air rushing through her lungs and the smell of coffee emulating through the room. She opened her eyes and found Andy sitting up on her side of the bed, holding two mugs.

“I don’t know how you take it yet so I guessed,” she said holding out the mug that obviously had more cream in it towards her, “cream, no sugar.”

Nile smiled. “Good guess,” she said as she sat up and crossed her legs, accepting the mug, “What time is it?”

“About eleven.”

“Eleven?!” Nile said, her eyes widening in shock, “I haven’t slept till eleven since before I joined the Marines.”  
Andy laughed and shrugged. “You needed it.” Her eyes went from laughing to concerned when she asked, “How are you?”

Nile sighed, looking down at her mug. She felt better, she did. She could tell as soon as she woke up it was easier to think, to focus on things, where yesterday it felt like her head was stuffed with cotton balls. It was just a lot. She needed time, which was great because she had a lot of it.

“Better, yeah. It's just-” she began, but stopped, frustrated because she couldn’t find the words to explain how immortality was affecting her headspace. 

“Yeah, it is,” Andy said and not having to explain felt like a relief, “when you find the words for it, let the rest of us know, yeah?” 

Nile scoffed. “If you haven’t found them in however many years, I doubt I’ll find them anytime soon.”

“You’ll probably find them before the rest of us. It’s been a while for us, we remember the beginning, but at some point this becomes normal for us. Maybe we need a fresh perspective.”

Nile smiled at her and then flinched as she heard something loud behind her. She turned, getting ready to fight, but stopped as soon as she realized the sound was snoring.

Nicky had his face smooshed into Joe’s neck, both of them had their eyes closed, their breathing in sync. Nile turned back to look at Andy who was already fighting laughter and Nile burst into a fit of giggles as they made eye contact.

“You weren’t the only one who needed the sleep,” Andy said between her laughs.

“What’s so funny?” Joe’s sleep addled voice asked from behind them. He was rubbing his eyes with the palm of one hand and cradling the back of Nicky’s head with the other when Nicky snored again, renewing Nile’s giggling and Andy’s held-back laughter. Joe smiled and softly laughed too.

Nicky opened his eyes, took in everyone’s laughter and asked “What? What’s so funny? Did I miss something?” Nile and Andy were too busy laughing to answer, so Joe just patted his head and said “No, my love,” and smiled into his hair.

```````````````````````````````````````````````

Andy got up to make breakfast and Nile stayed in bed, finishing her coffee and listening to Joe and Nicky talk to each other in a language she couldn’t place. It was easy to listen to, both of their voices gentle and Nile was still smiling from all her laughing earlier. It felt good to have her cheeks ache a little from the use.

“It’s good to hear you laugh. Andy too. Can’t remember the last time she laughed like that, and first thing in the morning too,” Joe said suddenly, in English.

“What, she’s not the giggly type,” Nile teased.

“Not for some time,” Joe said, which maybe Nile would’ve thought was sad if Joe hadn’t looked so happy about it now.

Nile watched Nicky smile even though his eyes were closed again and then looked up at Joe. He was looking at her, his eyes softening as he asked her “Better today?”

Nile nodded. “Better today.”

```````````````````````````````````````````````

They all got up to eat breakfast, which consisted of eggs and toast that Andy had gotten from the farm up the road and when they were finished Joe and Nicky washed the dishes and Andy went to call Copley about something with their passports and travel.

Nile remembered the bag of art supplies that had been left at the end of the counter and started pulling out the paint and sketchbooks, piling them neatly and throwing the bag out. She ran her thumb along the edges of the watercolor paper.

“You paint?” Joe asked her, excitement seeping into his voice. He dried his hands and walked over to her, looking at the pile of art supplies.

“I used to. There was an art institute by my house. My mom signed me up for all their Summer programs growing up. I haven’t in a while though, but I thought y’know… if I’m gonna be alive for the next few centuries maybe I could pick up a hobby,” she said with a smile.

Joe laughed. “You could even have two hobbies if you want.”

“Well, here,” she said, holding out the other sketchbook, “this is for your hobby. Figured your other one got blown up.” 

He took it from her, his eyebrows turned up, eyes wide and Nile was briefly alarmed that she did something wrong because he looked like he might cry.

“It’s just a notebook…” she whispered, uncertain if maybe it was overstepping somehow.

“Yes, but you’ve only been with us for such a short time and already you’ve shown us so much kindness. You bought food last night, now this,” he explained, gesturing at the notebook, “you think of all of us when we’re not there, Nile. That is no small thing.”

She opened her mouth to answer but didn’t know what to say.

“I’ll make good use of it,” he said.

Nicky walked up behind him and said, “I used to paint too, a long time ago. Maybe we can learn together again.”

“I’d like that,” Nile answered, feeling her heart clench a little.

Nile left them in the kitchen, Nicky whispering “orsacchiotto” to Joe with a smile as he went to read on the couch, Joe flipping open the sketchbook. She shouted “bye!” over her shoulder as she went outside. It wasn’t that cold, the breeze felt good against her skin, and she wanted to walk along the sea. She never really went to the beach as a kid, Chicago had none and she only saw the ocean once before joining the Marines. She climbed down the small, rocky ledge separating the land from the beach and she pulled off her sneakers and rolled up the bottom of her jeans so she could walk in the wake. It was freezing, but it felt good. Grounding. 

She wished she could have brought her brother here. She missed her family before all this happened, but knowing what a risk it was to see them now, and how little time they had compared to her, it turned that longing into something fierce. It felt like it could break out of her chest. She sighed. ‘I made a decision, it was the right one,’ she thought, but that thought didn’t help with how much she wanted to sit around their kitchen table with them.

She was only half surprised when she saw Andy sitting on the shore line ahead of her, her own feet in the water. Nile walked up and sat down next to her.

“How many years does it take until you feel like it's worth it?”

“It comes and goes. I can go for decades feeling like all the sacrifices, all the war I’ve seen- what’s the point if we save a few people every couple of months. Other times I think despite all the war and pain, hey we’ve saved a few people,” Andy said, the corner of her mouth turning up. “It’s the small things, really. We pass through villages where everyone cooks for the whole town. We’ve saved doctors that stay open late so they can treat people who can’t afford it. We’ve met teachers who give out books to the kids in their neighborhoods. It’s a matter of perspective.”

Nile thought about that for a minute. “I get that. I will get that. I just… I miss my family. I miss home. Even though I know I can’t go back and it’s not safe for anyone if I try to. But-but I still want to see my brother grow up. I wanted to grow up with him. And my mom….”

Andy looked at her. “I’m sorry that was taken away from you. I don’t know why this happens, but I do know that we can do something good with it. The universe sets things right.”

“I thought you didn’t believe in stuff like that,” Nile said, moving her hand towards the sky, “God, or karma, or anything else you could believe in.”

“Maybe I was a little too cynical when I told you that. I’ve seen it, the world just sets itself back every so often. I don’t think life is meant to be all bad, Nile. Even ours.”

“Yeah,” she paused looking up at the sun setting, “Yeah. Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted Nile to be able to release some of her stress and be supported by her immortal fam... anyway my tumblr is the same @ if u wanna chat :) likes/comments are appreciated!


End file.
